Lifestyle
‘Bouncing back’ is a myth – resilience means integrating hard experiences into your life story, not ignoring them
Keith M. Bellizzi, University of Connecticut
How to Build Resilience
When Maria looked at herself in the mirror for the first time after her mastectomy, she stood very still.
One hand rested on the bathroom counter. The other hovered near the flat space where her breast had been. The scar was raw and angry. The loss was quiet but enormous. Her body felt foreign.
In moments like these, people are often urged to be resilient – which can feel like being told to show no weakness, to push through no matter what. Or they imagine resilience as bouncing back: returning somehow unscathed to be the person you were before.
But standing in that bathroom, Maria knew there was no going back. And toughness wouldn’t change what had happened. The real question was how she could move forward, carrying this experience into her new reality.
Maria’s story, one I came to know personally, is far from unique. Loss, trauma and illness often bring the same wrenching questions of identity and the painful uncertainty of what comes next.
I’ve spent more than two decades studying resilience, particularly among individuals and families navigating these kinds of life-changing events. I am also a four-time cancer survivor and author of a new book, “Falling Forward: The New Science of Resilience and Personal Transformation.” If there is one myth I wish society would retire, it’s the idea that resilience means “toughness” or “bouncing back.”
Rethinking resilience based on research
Moments like Maria’s reveal something important: The way people tend to talk about resilience often doesn’t match how people actually live through adversity.
In popular culture, resilience is often equated with grit, toughness or relentless positivity. People celebrate the warrior, the fighter, the triumphant survivor.
But across research, clinical practice and lived experience, resilience is something far more nuanced, raw and human.
It’s not a personality trait that some people simply have and others lack. Decades of research show resilience is a dynamic process. It’s shaped by the small, everyday decisions and adjustments individuals make as they adapt to significant adversity while maintaining, or gradually regaining, their psychological and physical footing over time.
And importantly, resilience does not mean the absence of distress.
Research on people facing serious life disruptions shows that distress and resilience often coexist. For example, in my study of adolescent and young adult cancer survivors, participants reported being upset about finances, body image and disrupted life plans, while simultaneously highlighting positive changes, such as strengthened relationships and a greater sense of purpose.
Resilience, in other words, is not about erasing pain and suffering. It is about learning how to integrate difficult experiences into a life that continues forward.
How resilience really works
At one point, Maria told me she had started avoiding mirrors, intimacy, even conversations that made others uncomfortable.
“Well, you’re strong,” people would tell her. “Just stay positive. This too shall pass.”
But strength, she said, felt like a performance.
What ultimately shifted for Maria was not an increase in toughness. It was permission to grieve.
She began speaking openly about the loss of her breast; not just as a medical procedure but as a symbolic loss tied to identity, sexuality and womanhood. She joined a support group. She allowed herself to feel anger alongside gratitude for survival.
This kind of emotional processing turns out to be central to resilience.
My colleagues and I have found that people who actively process loss, rather than suppress it, demonstrate better long-term adjustment. Tamping down negative feelings may provide short-term relief, but over time it is associated with greater stress on your body and more difficulty adapting.
In other words, resilience is not about sealing the wound and pretending it no longer aches. It is about learning how to carry the wound without letting it consume your entire story.
Neuroscience supports this integration model. When people engage in meaning-making – reflecting on their experiences and incorporating them into a coherent life narrative – brain networks associated with emotional regulation and cognitive flexibility become more active. The brain, quite literally, reorganizes as you adapt to new realities.
Maria described the change simply.
“I don’t like what happened,” she told me. “But I’m not at war with my body anymore.”
That is resilience.
Practices that help build resilience
If resilience is about integration rather than toughness and bouncing back, how can you cultivate it? Research across psychology, neuroscience and chronic illness points to several evidence-based strategies:
- Allow emotional complexity: Resilient people are not relentlessly positive. They allow space for the full range of emotions, such as gratitude and grief, hope and fear. Paying attention to your feelings through strategies such as reflective writing or psychotherapy have been linked to improved psychological adaptation.
- Build a coherent narrative: Human beings are storytellers. Trauma can shatter one’s sense of self, but constructing a narrative that acknowledges loss while identifying continuity and growth supports adaptation. The goal is not to spin suffering into silver linings, but to situate it within a broader life story. For example, someone might say, “Cancer derailed my plans and changed my body, but it also clarified what matters to me and how I want to move forward.”
- Lean into connection: Isolation magnifies suffering. Social support is one of the strongest predictors of how well people are able to cope and move forward after illness or trauma. For Maria, connection with other women who had had mastectomies normalized her experience and reduced shame.
- Practice deliberate pauses: Intentionally give yourself some time to breathe. Mindfulness and contemplative solitude can strengthen your ability to regulate emotions and recover from stress. Pausing allows experience to be processed rather than avoided.
- Expand identity: Illness, loss and trauma reshape how you think of yourself. Rather than clinging to who you were, resilience often involves expanding who you are becoming. Research on post-traumatic growth shows that people often report deeper relationships, clarified priorities and renewed purpose – not because trauma was good, but because it forced reevaluation. Maria no longer describes herself simply as a breast cancer patient. She is a survivor, yes, but also an advocate, a mentor, a woman whose sense of femininity is self-defined rather than dictated by her anatomy.
Moving forward
We are living in a time of widespread burnout and rising mental health challenges, where cultural pressure to appear strong often leaves people silently struggling. An insistence on grit and relentless optimism can backfire, making people feel inadequate when they inevitably feel pain.
Resilience is not about returning to who you were before illness, loss or trauma. It is about becoming someone new: someone who carries the scar, remembers the loss and still chooses to engage with life.
Maria still pauses when she sees her reflection. But she no longer turns away.
“This is my body,” she told me recently. “This is my story.”
Resilience is not forged in the denial of vulnerability, but in its acceptance. Not in bouncing back, but in integrating what has happened into who you are becoming.
And that, I believe, is where real strength lives.
Keith M. Bellizzi, Professor of Human Development and Family Sciences, University of Connecticut
This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.
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Family
The House That Hosts: When Your Home Becomes Your Holiday Entertaining Partner
The House That Hosts: There’s a special pleasure in opening your home for the holidays to share the menu you’ve imagined, welcome guests to the glow of a room ready for company and enjoy the anticipation of familiar faces at the door. This year, make sure the house itself can lend a hand.
The House That Hosts: When Your Home Becomes Your Holiday Entertaining Partner
(Feature Impact) There’s a special pleasure in opening your home for the holidays to share the menu you’ve imagined, welcome guests to the glow of a room ready for company and enjoy the anticipation of familiar faces at the door. Every detail is an opportunity to make the loved ones you’ve invited feel especially welcome.
This year, make sure the house itself can lend a hand.
From the kitchen to the living room to the guest bathroom, residential technology offers new ways to turn a host’s imagination into a memorable experience. The best innovations don’t take over the occasion. They help the person bringing everyone together make it extraordinary.
Nor does a home need an elaborate network of connected gadgets. A few well-chosen technologies can make a difference. Explore these ideas from the bathroom design and technology experts at TOTO to level up the different hosting areas of your home as you prepare to gather with family and friends this holiday season.
The Kitchen: Bringing Something Extraordinary to the Table
The holidays invite a little culinary ambition, and today’s kitchens are borrowing a few tricks from professional chefs.
Imagine presenting a beef tenderloin cooked to a perfect rosy pink from edge to edge, thanks to the precision of sous vide cooking. Or bringing a platter of roasted root vegetables to the table, their edges beautifully caramelized and their centers tender, prepared in a steam-convection oven. On an induction cooktop, precise, responsive heat helps turn fresh mushrooms into a golden, savory accompaniment.
These technologies put sophisticated techniques within reach of adventurous home cooks, opening the door to new preparations and dishes worthy of special occasions. Experiment with new flavors and rich cuisines that fill your home with enticing aromas and your guests with awe at the first bite.
Nothing says “happy holidays” quite like watching guests discover what you’ve created for them.
The Living Area: Setting the Stage for Connection
Holiday gatherings have a rhythm all their own. The first arrivals are greeted with excitement, conversations pick up where they left off months (or years) prior, and before long, the room is filled with laughter and the pleasure of being together.
Today’s smart lighting systems allow hosts to create and schedule scenes that shift from the sparkle of a festive welcome to the softer, golden glow of an intimate evening. Multiroom wireless audio systems can bring lively music into the kitchen while keeping it a gentle accompaniment to conversation in the living area. Digital art displays can turn a television screen into a gallery of artwork chosen to complement the celebration, bringing holidays past to life as loved ones mingle in the present.
Successful holiday entertainment engages people not merely as observers, but participants. A short film could start an inspiring conversation, the right music might get people dancing and atmospheric visual-audio experiences, like a crackling fireplace or soft snowstorm, can create a relaxing seasonal backdrop for shared activities.
With the atmosphere changing quietly in the background, no one needs to interrupt a favorite story to adjust the lights or lower the music. The host can simply enjoy the company they’ve brought together.
The Bathroom: The Art of Personal Comfort
The most gracious hosts think beyond the rooms where guests gather. Fresh towels, fragrant soaps and a few unexpected comforts can make the guest bathroom feel every bit as welcoming as the rest of the home.
Technology adds a new dimension to that hospitality. Consider a TOTO WASHLET bidet seat, which offers the welcome warmth of a heated seat, the refreshing pleasure of warm-water cleansing and the soothing comfort of warm-air drying. It’s an unexpected luxury that makes an everyday experience feel special.
Hosts can choose an option that complements their home’s character. The S2 offers inviting simplicity with convenient side-panel controls. The sleek S5 pairs contemporary elegance with a wireless remote. Meanwhile, the S7A adds a touch of theater with a lid that opens automatically, a softly glowing nightlight and personalized cleansing settings.
Even the housekeeping benefits from a little ingenuity through automatic PREMIST and EWATER+: One mists the toilet bowl before use to help keep it cleaner, while the other cleans the cleansing wand and, on select models, the bowl itself with electrolyzed water.
It’s another way a thoughtful host can anticipate guests’ needs and make them feel wonderfully welcome.
Long after the last guest has departed, what lingers isn’t the sophistication of the house. It’s the meal that inspired compliments, the conversations no one wanted to end and the little surprises that made everyone feel at home.
Those are the moments that make holiday entertaining special. Behind each one is a host whose warmth, creativity and attention to detail made it possible, with a little help from the house. Explore more sophisticated bathroom upgrade ideas for the holidays and beyond at TOTOUSA.com.
Photo courtesy of Shutterstock (holiday table)
SOURCE:
TOTO
Community
4 Ways to Preserve Veterans’ Stories for Future Generations
Family stories, photographs, letters and memories all have a place in the broader story of humanity, but if they aren’t recorded and preserved, they can fade over time. Consider these ways to help the veterans in your life preserve their stories and leave their mark on history. Preserve Veterans’ Stories for Future Generations
4 Ways to Preserve Veterans’ Stories for Future Generations
(Feature Impact) History is built from stories and memories, which is why it’s important to listen to the people who were there as the world changed. Family stories, photographs, letters and memories all have a place in the broader story of humanity, but if they aren’t recorded and preserved, they can fade over time.
Because more than 70 years have passed since the Korean War ended, opportunities to hear firsthand accounts from earlier conflicts grow fewer as time passes. Veterans and their families may be able to help record stories and lessons from “The Forgotten War” that might otherwise be lost.
You don’t need to be a historian to help preserve your loved ones’ memories and experiences. Programs like the Library of Congress Veterans History Project are dedicated to collecting stories from people like Private First Class Robert Lawrence Barber, who wrote regular letters home to his mother while serving in Korea. They paint a harrowing picture of combat, exhaustion, cold, fatigue and the stark realities of war that should never be forgotten. Experiences away from combat can be equally revealing, from daily routines and friendships to unexpected challenges.
Consider these ways to help the veterans in your life preserve their stories and leave their mark on history.
Start the Conversation Now
When it comes to recording memories, time is of the essence, especially for those who served in Korea. Decades may have passed, but each day makes a difference. Sit down with your loved one and gently start the conversation. You don’t have to get the entire backstory at once, but you can begin asking questions about their military experience and give them time to gather their thoughts.
Record Their Story
How a story is told can add dimension to the story itself. An audio or video recording preserves your loved one’s voice, expressions and emotions along with their words, giving your family memories to look back on for generations. Choose a quiet, comfortable space and test the equipment before recording.
Consider Preserving the Story Beyond Your Family
Family stories are most meaningful to those who know and love the storyteller, but they also matter to the world. Sharing veterans’ stories – including difficulties and ordinary moments – offers others a firsthand view of military life. Libraries and oral history archives may be able to preserve qualifying material for a wider audience.
“We want all stories, not just those from the foxhole or the battlefronts, but from all veterans who served the United States in uniform,” said Monica Mohindra, director of the Veterans History Project. “What did they hear? What did they see? What did it mean to them?”
If you have oral history interviews, and/or original photographs, letters or other records, consider contributing them to be archived and made accessible to future generations. Staff members are available to help you curate and select physical materials to contribute to the nation’s library.
Give Old Photos and Letters Context
Brush the dust off those old photo albums, scrapbooks and memory boxes because they may contain tangible pieces of history. A photograph, letter or piece of memorabilia could be what a veteran needs to bring fuzzy memories back into focus – whether it’s seeing the face of an old comrade or reading a letter written home. That gives you the opportunity to hear new stories and fill in context.
Learn more, discover veterans’ histories and find instructions for contributing veterans’ stories at loc.gov/vets.
Photo courtesy of Shutterstock (man looking at photo album)
Photo courtesy of the Library of Congress (group of soldiers)
SOURCE:
Library of Congress Veterans History Project
Lifestyle
Beyond the Piggy Bank: How to Build Your Child’s Financial Future
Your Child’s Financial Future: When money is tight, saving for the future can feel out of reach. Rent, groceries and bills come first, but building something for your kids doesn’t have to start with your paycheck. For millions of families, there’s already money waiting.
Beyond the Piggy Bank: How to Build Your Child’s Financial Future
(Feature Impact) When money is tight, saving for the future can feel out of reach. Rent, groceries and bills come first, but building something for your kids doesn’t have to start with your paycheck. For millions of families, there’s already money waiting.
Michael and Susan Dell put $250 into the 530A (Trump) Accounts of 25 million children across the United States. Children born between 2016-2024 who live in eligible ZIP codes received the money. Families didn’t have to apply, and they don’t have to pay anything back.
“Every American child now has their own investment account,” said Matt Lira, executive director at Invest America, a nonprofit that helps families understand investing. “It’s in your child’s name, it’s built to grow and it’s theirs from the very start. That’s a real stake in America’s future. Claiming it takes a few minutes, and your child begins life as an owner.”
U.S. children under 18 with valid Social Security numbers already have accounts in their names, and any money in it is invested so it can grow over time. You just need to claim it. Download the official app, available on iOS or Android, or go to the official website then sign in as a parent or guardian to access your child’s account. You can choose to add money if you want, but it’s not required. Claiming the account also lets friends, family, employers and others contribute.
“Parents and grandparents, please claim your child’s account,” said Susan Dell, co-founder of the Michael & Susan Dell Foundation. “These accounts are ready. They’re waiting for you, and they have money in them. Claim your child’s account and start adding money to their account and preparing a wonderful future for them.”
Money Lessons That Don’t Cost a Thing
Claiming the account is the first step. Helping your child understand it is the next. When kids know they own something that can grow, money lessons stop feeling abstract. These everyday habits can help them make the most of it:
- Let them see how you make choices. You probably already compare prices, stretch a grocery budget and decide what can wait. Talk through those choices out loud. When kids hear why you picked the store brand or skipped something this week, they can learn how to tell needs from wants.
- Give them a little to manage. Birthday money, a few dollars for chores or earnings from mowing lawns or babysitting are all chances to practice. Let kids decide how much to spend and how much to save then talk about how it went.
- Explain saving vs. investing. Saving is putting money aside for something you want soon, like a bike. Investing is letting money grow over many years. For example, 530A (Trump) Accounts are a real-life example of investing that kids can check a few times a month to see how money grows.
- Talk about what they dream of.Ask your kids what they want someday, like a car, college, a trade, their own business or a home. Knowing they have money saved or invested can help them dream bigger, because those goals start to feel possible instead of out of reach.
Small Amounts Still Count
If you’re ever able to add something to an investment account, even a few dollars now and then, it has years to grow. Relatives can help, too. A small amount on a birthday or holiday adds up over a childhood. However, if adding money isn’t possible right now, that’s OK.
“In America, small beginnings can become extraordinary things,” Michael Dell said. “When we invest in children’s futures, we invest in America’s future. We are so excited to see what they build.”
Claim your child’s account today through the official app or at TrumpAccounts.gov.
Common Questions About 530A (Trump) Accounts
What is a 530A (Trump) Account?
It’s a free investment account for U.S. children under 18 powered by the U.S. Treasury. It’s in your child’s name. The money in the account is invested in hundreds of America’s biggest companies at once, so it has the chance to grow over time without you having to pick anything. The account also has tax benefits. The money can grow for years without being taxed along the way, which helps it grow faster.
Does my child have one?
U.S. children under 18 with valid Social Security numbers were signed up automatically, and nearly 70 million children already have accounts. You just need to claim your child’s account to track its value over time and help it grow. You just need to claim your child’s account to track its value over time and help it grow.
How do I claim it?
Download the official app on your smartphone or visit the official website. You’ll confirm some information and claim the account. It only takes a few minutes, and it’s free.
Do I have to put money in?
No. Adding money is always possible, but claiming an account allows other people to contribute, even if you don’t.
Can other people add money?
Yes. Parents, grandparents, other family members, friends and even employers can add money. The total limit is $5,000 per child per year. Other government or charity programs may add money in the future, too.
How were children chosen for the $250 from Michael and Susan Dell?
Families did not apply, and children were not picked one by one. The foundation started with the lowest-income ZIP codes, based on U.S. Census data, and kept adding ZIP codes until it reached 25 million children. Learn more about eligibility at investamerica.org/dell.
My ZIP code wasn’t included. Does my child still have an account?
All U.S. children with a Social Security number have an account. The ZIP codes only decided who got the extra $250.
When can my child use the money?
At 18, your child can decide what to do with it. They can keep it growing for retirement or use it for things like school or buying a first home.
Photos courtesy of Shutterstock
SOURCE:
Michael and Susan Dell Foundation
