Lifestyle
‘Bouncing back’ is a myth – resilience means integrating hard experiences into your life story, not ignoring them
Keith M. Bellizzi, University of Connecticut
How to Build Resilience
When Maria looked at herself in the mirror for the first time after her mastectomy, she stood very still.
One hand rested on the bathroom counter. The other hovered near the flat space where her breast had been. The scar was raw and angry. The loss was quiet but enormous. Her body felt foreign.
In moments like these, people are often urged to be resilient – which can feel like being told to show no weakness, to push through no matter what. Or they imagine resilience as bouncing back: returning somehow unscathed to be the person you were before.
But standing in that bathroom, Maria knew there was no going back. And toughness wouldn’t change what had happened. The real question was how she could move forward, carrying this experience into her new reality.
Maria’s story, one I came to know personally, is far from unique. Loss, trauma and illness often bring the same wrenching questions of identity and the painful uncertainty of what comes next.
I’ve spent more than two decades studying resilience, particularly among individuals and families navigating these kinds of life-changing events. I am also a four-time cancer survivor and author of a new book, “Falling Forward: The New Science of Resilience and Personal Transformation.” If there is one myth I wish society would retire, it’s the idea that resilience means “toughness” or “bouncing back.”
Rethinking resilience based on research
Moments like Maria’s reveal something important: The way people tend to talk about resilience often doesn’t match how people actually live through adversity.
In popular culture, resilience is often equated with grit, toughness or relentless positivity. People celebrate the warrior, the fighter, the triumphant survivor.
But across research, clinical practice and lived experience, resilience is something far more nuanced, raw and human.
It’s not a personality trait that some people simply have and others lack. Decades of research show resilience is a dynamic process. It’s shaped by the small, everyday decisions and adjustments individuals make as they adapt to significant adversity while maintaining, or gradually regaining, their psychological and physical footing over time.
And importantly, resilience does not mean the absence of distress.
Research on people facing serious life disruptions shows that distress and resilience often coexist. For example, in my study of adolescent and young adult cancer survivors, participants reported being upset about finances, body image and disrupted life plans, while simultaneously highlighting positive changes, such as strengthened relationships and a greater sense of purpose.
Resilience, in other words, is not about erasing pain and suffering. It is about learning how to integrate difficult experiences into a life that continues forward.
How resilience really works
At one point, Maria told me she had started avoiding mirrors, intimacy, even conversations that made others uncomfortable.
“Well, you’re strong,” people would tell her. “Just stay positive. This too shall pass.”
But strength, she said, felt like a performance.
What ultimately shifted for Maria was not an increase in toughness. It was permission to grieve.
She began speaking openly about the loss of her breast; not just as a medical procedure but as a symbolic loss tied to identity, sexuality and womanhood. She joined a support group. She allowed herself to feel anger alongside gratitude for survival.
This kind of emotional processing turns out to be central to resilience.
My colleagues and I have found that people who actively process loss, rather than suppress it, demonstrate better long-term adjustment. Tamping down negative feelings may provide short-term relief, but over time it is associated with greater stress on your body and more difficulty adapting.
In other words, resilience is not about sealing the wound and pretending it no longer aches. It is about learning how to carry the wound without letting it consume your entire story.
Neuroscience supports this integration model. When people engage in meaning-making – reflecting on their experiences and incorporating them into a coherent life narrative – brain networks associated with emotional regulation and cognitive flexibility become more active. The brain, quite literally, reorganizes as you adapt to new realities.
Maria described the change simply.
“I don’t like what happened,” she told me. “But I’m not at war with my body anymore.”
That is resilience.
Practices that help build resilience
If resilience is about integration rather than toughness and bouncing back, how can you cultivate it? Research across psychology, neuroscience and chronic illness points to several evidence-based strategies:
- Allow emotional complexity: Resilient people are not relentlessly positive. They allow space for the full range of emotions, such as gratitude and grief, hope and fear. Paying attention to your feelings through strategies such as reflective writing or psychotherapy have been linked to improved psychological adaptation.
- Build a coherent narrative: Human beings are storytellers. Trauma can shatter one’s sense of self, but constructing a narrative that acknowledges loss while identifying continuity and growth supports adaptation. The goal is not to spin suffering into silver linings, but to situate it within a broader life story. For example, someone might say, “Cancer derailed my plans and changed my body, but it also clarified what matters to me and how I want to move forward.”
- Lean into connection: Isolation magnifies suffering. Social support is one of the strongest predictors of how well people are able to cope and move forward after illness or trauma. For Maria, connection with other women who had had mastectomies normalized her experience and reduced shame.
- Practice deliberate pauses: Intentionally give yourself some time to breathe. Mindfulness and contemplative solitude can strengthen your ability to regulate emotions and recover from stress. Pausing allows experience to be processed rather than avoided.
- Expand identity: Illness, loss and trauma reshape how you think of yourself. Rather than clinging to who you were, resilience often involves expanding who you are becoming. Research on post-traumatic growth shows that people often report deeper relationships, clarified priorities and renewed purpose – not because trauma was good, but because it forced reevaluation. Maria no longer describes herself simply as a breast cancer patient. She is a survivor, yes, but also an advocate, a mentor, a woman whose sense of femininity is self-defined rather than dictated by her anatomy.
Moving forward
We are living in a time of widespread burnout and rising mental health challenges, where cultural pressure to appear strong often leaves people silently struggling. An insistence on grit and relentless optimism can backfire, making people feel inadequate when they inevitably feel pain.
Resilience is not about returning to who you were before illness, loss or trauma. It is about becoming someone new: someone who carries the scar, remembers the loss and still chooses to engage with life.
Maria still pauses when she sees her reflection. But she no longer turns away.
“This is my body,” she told me recently. “This is my story.”
Resilience is not forged in the denial of vulnerability, but in its acceptance. Not in bouncing back, but in integrating what has happened into who you are becoming.
And that, I believe, is where real strength lives.
Keith M. Bellizzi, Professor of Human Development and Family Sciences, University of Connecticut
This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.
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Community
ABCs for School Zone Safety: Tips for Drivers, Pedestrians and Bicyclists
School Zone Safety: A new school year means there’s more traffic around school campuses. Between dropoffs and pickups, children riding bicycles, walking to school and all the shuttling between sports practices and other extracurricular activities, this season is a reminder to make every trip to and from school a safe one.
ABCs for School Zone Safety: Tips for Drivers, Pedestrians and Bicyclists
(Feature Impact) A new school year means there’s more traffic around school campuses. Between dropoffs and pickups, children riding bicycles, walking to school and all the shuttling between sports practices and other extracurricular activities, this season is a reminder to make every trip to and from school a safe one.
To make sure no parent worries about their child getting to school safely, the California Office of Traffic Safety (OTS) and Caltrans are encouraging drivers, pedestrians and bicyclists to remember their “ABCs” on every trip: stay Alert for Bicyclists and watch for and yield to Children crossing the street.
With students in school and traffic patterns changing, consider these tips so students arrive to and from class safely:
Drivers
Because children outside of vehicles do not have the same protections as drivers and passengers, drivers have an outsized role to protect people walking, biking and rolling.
- Take your time and be patient.
- Always follow the speed limit.
- Use extra caution at crosswalks and intersections, especially if you notice children nearby.
- Don’t drive distracted – even a quick glance at your phone can have tragic consequences.
- Never drive while impaired.
- Adjust your driving to the conditions and use extra caution in rain, fog and darkness.
- If you see a bicyclist ahead, wait until it’s safe to pass and give them at least 3 feet of space when you do.
Pedestrians
Pedestrians have an important role in their own safety, particularly in school zones and crosswalks where children and other people may be present.
- Use sidewalks when available. If there are no sidewalks, walk facing traffic so you can see drivers and they can see you.
- Avoid crossing outside of crosswalks. If there is a signalized crosswalk or marked crosswalk, use it.
- Before crossing the street, look both ways. If there are any stopped or turning cars, try to make eye contact with the drivers before crossing so you know they see you.
- If you’re walking after dark or when visibility is poor, make yourself visible by wearing something bright or reflective and shining a light.
- Stay alert – don’t wear headphones or use your phone while crossing the street or walking across a busy road.
Bicyclists
Bicyclists can help protect themselves by staying alert and visible, especially in areas where traffic, pedestrians and young students may be present.
- When possible, plan your route along bike paths or roads with dedicated bike lanes away from vehicle traffic.
- Equip your bicycle with lights and reflectors to be more visible to drivers and pedestrians.
- Wear a properly fitted helmet and bright clothing.
- Learn cyclist hand signals to communicate when you’re turning, slowing or stopping.
- Stay aware of drivers and always yield to pedestrians.
To learn more and join the movement, visit GoSafelyCA.org.
E-Bike Safety Tips
With more young people using e-bikes than ever before, it’s important that riders and their parents or guardians understand the risks involved and make smart, safe choices.
Since e-bikes can travel at faster speeds than traditional bicycles, they pose greater risk for serious injury or death in the event of a crash. Class 1 and 2 e-bikes can both travel at up to 20 mph unassisted, while Class 3 e-bikes can go as fast as 28 mph unassisted.
E-bike rules vary based on the top unassisted speed, but parents and guardians should follow these tips for e-bikes:
- Many local ordinances and state laws restrict e-bike use for minors or require special licensing.
- Helmets are required for riders under age 18 for Class 1-2 e-bikes and all riders on Class 3 e-bikes, regardless of age.
- You must be 16 years or older to ride a Class 3 e-bike.
- Never ride e-bikes that don’t have pedals as they could be considered e-motos and not legally permitted on roads.
- Ride in bike lanes or on legal paths, avoiding roads with traffic when possible.
- Be as predictable as possible and use caution when making turns, crossing streets or riding in conditions with poor visibility.
E-bike rules may vary by state and regionally. Contact local law enforcement regarding local laws.
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Family
6 Hacks to Prep Your Mudroom for Back-to-School Season
When school is back in session, it means a lot of coming and going to and from your home – often in a rush. Start with these mudroom organization and habit hacks to make your family’s daily routines a little easier.
(Feature Impact) When school is back in session, it means a lot of coming and going to and from your home – often in a rush. Smooth out those morning scrambles and save yourself some afternoon cleanups by turning your mudroom into a space that feels more organized and less chaotic.
Start with these mudroom organization and habit hacks to make your family’s daily routines a little easier.
Do a Beginning-of-Year Declutter
If the coat hooks are still sporting rain jackets the kids outgrew several seasons ago, that’s your sign to plan a purge. Out with the old, in with the new: collect last year’s coats, too-small shoes, the backpack with the broken zipper, worn-out accessories and that pile of junk mail then figure out what to keep, toss and donate.
Create a “Get-Out-The-Door” Spot for Essentials
“Have you seen my…” is a sentence you can only stand to hear (and say) so many times in one morning. Set up shelves or baskets for important items like keys, permission slips, library books, water bottles, lunchboxes, sports gear and anything else that needs to leave the house with the family. Repetition will build the habit, and even if things still get lost from time to time, this system gives everyone a first place to look.
Choose a Shoe System
Whether you’re a shoe rack kind of family or you’ve got DIY dreams of building an aesthetic wooden bench with shoe storage underneath, lock it in. Shoes are easy for kids to kick off when they get home, and if they aren’t sure where to put them, they’ll remain wherever they land or pile up by the door. Also consider putting down washable mats so grime doesn’t accumulate on your rack or floor.
Give Each Child a Designated Drop Zone
It’s easier for kids to stay organized when they have their own dedicated spaces to hang up jackets, set down backpacks, put shoes and store everyday essentials. Provide each child with their own coat hooks, cubbies, bins or lockers. Build them at kid-friendly heights and make it fun by letting everyone decorate their own zone.
Have Options Ready for Bad Weather
With a little advanced planning, you can prevent your mudroom from living up to its name. Set up a rainy-day corner with an umbrella stand, boot tray, towel basket and hooks or racks to hang damp outerwear. Keep a laundry hamper in the mudroom, too, so wet clothes and dirty uniforms don’t migrate through the house.
Label Storage Areas Clearly
Nearly everyone’s been there: you start a new organization system feeling efficient and optimistic, then over time, memories lapse and it descends back into anarchy. Labels may not stop this from happening every time, but at least they might make kids stop and consider whether their books should go in the basket labeled “Books” or on top of the shoe rack. That’s one step closer to restoring order.
For more back-to-school tips and tricks, visit eLivingToday.com.
Photo courtesy of Unsplash
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child education
Top 5 Tips for Teaching Kids Modern Money Lessons in the Digital Age
Teaching Kids Modern Money Lessons: Helping kids feel confident about money can start with simple, everyday experiences. Giving kids opportunities to practice earning, saving, spending and making choices with money can help them build skills and confidence, even as more of their financial lives become digital.
Top 5 Tips for Teaching Kids Modern Money Lessons in the Digital Age
(Feature Impact) Helping kids feel confident about money can start with simple, everyday experiences. That can be especially important today, when children may hear different messages about money from parents, friends and financial influencers on social media. Giving kids opportunities to practice earning, saving, spending and making choices with money can help them build skills and confidence, even as more of their financial lives become digital.
Parents don’t need to be financial experts to help children develop healthy money habits. Starting conversations early and giving kids opportunities to practice skills like budgeting, saving and investing can prepare them to make thoughtful financial decisions as they grow. Consider these tips from the experts at Charles Schwab, which provides a full range of brokerage, banking and financial advisory services, to help build kids’ financial knowledge and confidence.
- Start with Hands-On Activities
As children grow, the way parents teach them about money should grow with them. Young kids can start by filling piggy banks or savings jars with coins and cash. As they get older, help them open bank accounts to see how their balances change over time. Introduce budgeting by letting kids make some of their own spending decisions, such as choosing a snack or deciding whether to go to a movie or save for new headphones. Older kids can get involved in family decisions, such as planning a weekend trip within a set budget.
- Encourage Smart Saving and Investing Habits
Learning to save and invest early can help kids see how financial decisions pay off over time. Start with a savings account and show them how compound interest can help their money grow. As kids enter their teen years, look for ways to give them hands-on experience with investing. A teen investing account can give young people a real-world opportunity to research investments, make decisions and learn how to manage money with a parent’s guidance and oversight, helping them better understand risk and reward while building financial skills and confidence.
- Teach Teens About Debt and Credit
Before teens begin using credit themselves, help them understand what borrowing actually costs. A credit card may make a purchase feel easy in the moment, but interest and fees can make that purchase more expensive if the balance isn’t paid off. Talk about the importance of living within their means, how credit scores work and how interest and late fees can cause debt to grow. Real-life examples, such as comparing the cost of paying for something now versus the cost of carrying a balance, can make these lessons easier to understand.
- Introduce Kid-Friendly Digital Tools
For today’s kids, learning about money also means learning how to manage it digitally. When children are old enough to have their own devices or use a parent’s device with supervision, introduce them to age-appropriate banking and budgeting tools. Show them how to check a balance, track spending and follow progress toward a savings goal. These everyday experiences help connect the money lessons they learn at home with the tools they’ll likely use as adults.
- Keep Talking About Money
Building financial confidence doesn’t happen through one conversation. Make money an ongoing, age-appropriate topic by asking kids what they think about spending and saving, and what short- and long-term goals matter to them. Invite them to ask questions and, when appropriate, include them in everyday household money decisions. Giving kids a safe place to learn and make choices (and sometimes mistakes) can help them become more comfortable managing money.
Learn more modern strategies for teaching kids and teens financial literacy at SchwabMoneywise.com.
Photo courtesy of Shutterstock
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