How to reduce gift-giving stress with your kids – a child psychologist’s tips for making magic and avoiding tears

Angela J. Narayan, University of Denver As a child, I loved being the center of attention. So it was a problem when my baby brother was born a day before my birthday. For years, I would beg my parents for a birthday gift “one day early.” My laid-back brother remembers thinking, “I don’t care about presents. Just give her mine!” As an associate professor and child psychologist at the University of Denver who studies child development and parenting, I’ve come to learn about these types of challenges associated with gift giving. The holidays, while a magical time, can also be stressful. Society places an expectation on parents to buy gifts, regardless of their financial circumstances, and children themselves often feel a variety of complex emotions. How children react to getting presents is partially linked to temperament, which is the variety of ways that children experience, perceive and interact with the world. Temperament is the precursor to personality – some people are introverts, while others are extroverts. Temperament is partially heritable. That means an introverted parent who feels social pressure to buy many gifts for their shy and easily overwhelmed child may be inadvertently causing stress. Faced with this holiday conundrum, I’m often asked questions like “Is there a magic number of gifts to give my kids?” or “What gifts will hold my child’s attention the longest?” While there isn’t an easy answer to either question, these tips and tricks can help parents be more thoughtful and intentional about gift giving, especially for children who are young.

The age rule

Young children cannot focus on a lot of things at once. A good rule of thumb is that a 1-year-old can focus only on one thing at a time. A 2-year-old can maybe focus on two things at most, and a 3-year-old maybe three things, and so on. Stop at five. Very few children actually need more than five gifts, so feel free to go lower.

The attention rule

I have often searched for the magical gift that will keep my children occupied for hours, and so far I haven’t found it. What I have found is that my children – ages 5 and 7 – get excited about the things that I get excited about. So I try to buy things that I think are fun. Ask yourself what you would like to play with if you got to be a child again. I bet your children would be eager to join you in those things.

The games rule

Card and board games are great gifts, often inexpensive, fun for many ages – excepting babies, of course – and capable of holding attention for a long time. Plus, they usually don’t take up much storage space. I love giving my kids games that are not only fun but also teach them helpful skills. Collaborative games for preschoolers and early school-age children like the Fairy Game and Outfoxed teach problem-solving, teamwork and early reasoning skills. Games for elementary-age children, such as Sorry and Battleship, teach kids how to manage difficult situations, like not always being in the lead, being a good sport even if you’re behind, and losing gracefully. Timeless card games like Uno and Memory, and newer ones like Sleeping Queens and Exploding Kittens, are great for using working memory, thinking flexibly, persisting and strategizing. Most importantly, playing games together supports positive family time, which is an excellent antidote to stress, bad moods or boredom.

The pressure rule

Imagine the holiday experience through the eyes of each of your children. Some children relish receiving gifts, like I did. Others, however, may feel self-conscious, overwhelmed by the sensory overload – all the textures, commotion and bright colors, not to mention people staring at them. The elements of surprise combined with the unspoken social pressure to be gracious and well regulated are challenging for any young child. We expect small children to contain their excitement, delay gratification and react positively to the surprise. And then come up with a polite response. These are all complex requests, rarely directly or explicitly taught. It’s no wonder that many children show negative emotions, have tantrums, or even just say, “I’m tired!” during holiday celebrations. That’s why beyond the precise nature of “the perfect gift,” we shouldn’t lose sight of what we should be doing. And that is investing in togetherness and helping kids learn skills like being patient and taking turns, strengthening memory capacities, planning ahead, not giving up, and that being a team player will pay off later. These skills pave the way for longer sustained attention, focus and concentration, as well as confidence. My 7-year-old is becoming a skillful chess player because we have taught him the rules and strategy and helped him practice. Maybe this is the real magical gift – not the purchase itself, but the decision to invest in time with your child early. Angela J. Narayan, Associate Professor, Clinical Child Psychology Ph.D. program, University of Denver This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

What loving-kindness meditation is and how to practice it in the new year

Jeremy David Engels, Penn State A popular New Year’s resolution is to take up meditation – specifically mindfulness meditation. This is a healthy choice. Regular mindfulness practice has been linked to many positive health benefits, including reduced stress and anxiety, better sleep and quicker healing after injury and illness. Mindfulness can help us to be present in a distracted world and to feel more at home in our bodies, and in our lives. There are many different types of meditation. Some mindfulness practices ask meditators simply to sit with whatever thoughts, sensations or emotions arise without immediately reacting to them. Such meditations cultivate focus, while granting more freedom in how we respond to whatever events life throws at us. Other meditations ask practitioners to deliberately focus on one emotion – for example, gratitude or love – to deepen the experience of that emotion. The purpose behind this type of meditation is to bring more gratitude, or more love, into one’s life. The more people meditate on love, the easier it is to experience this emotion even when not meditating. One such meditation is known as “metta,” or loving-kindness. As a scholar of communication and mindfulness, as well as a longtime meditation teacher, I have both studied and practiced metta. Here is what loving-kindness means and how to try it out for yourself:

Unbounded, universal love

Loving-kindness, or metta, is the type of love which is practiced by Buddhists around the world. Like many forms of meditation today, there are both secular and religious forms of the practice. One does not need to be a Buddhist to practice loving-kindness. It is for anyone and everyone who wants to live more lovingly. Loving-kindness, the feeling cultivated in metta meditation, is very different from romantic love. In the ancient Pali language, the word “metta” has two root meanings: The first is “gentle,” in the sense of a gentle spring rain that falls on young plants, nourishing them without discrimination. The second is “friend.” Metta is limitless and unbounded love; it is gentle presence and universal friendliness. Metta practice is meant to grow people’s ability to be present for themselves and others without fail.

Metta is not reciprocal or conditional. It does not discriminate between us and them, rich and poor, educated and uneducated, popular or unpopular, worthy and unworthy. To practice metta is to give what I describe in my research as “the rarest and most precious gift” – a gift of love offered without any expectation of it being returned.

How to practice loving-kindness meditation

In the fifth century, a Sri Lankan monk, Buddhaghosa, composed an influential meditation text called the “Visuddhimagga,” or “The Path of Purification.” In this text, Buddhaghosa provides instructions for how to practice loving-kindness meditation. Contemporary teachers tend to adapt and modify his instructions. The practice of loving-kindness often involves quietly reciting to oneself several traditional phrases designed to evoke metta, and visualizing the beings who will receive that loving-kindness. Traditionally, the practice begins by sending loving kindness to ourselves. It is typical during this meditation to say:

May I be filled by loving-kindness May I be safe from inner and outer dangers May I be well in body and mind May I be at ease and happy

After speaking these phrases, and feeling the emotions they evoke, next it’s common to direct loving-kindness toward someone – or something – else: It can be a beloved person, a dear friend, a pet, an animal, a favorite tree. The phrases become:

May you be filled by loving-kindness May you be safe from inner and outer dangers May you be well in body and mind May you be at ease and happy

Next, this loving-kindness is directed to a wider circle of friends and loved ones: “May they …” The final step is to gradually expand the circle of well wishes: including the people in our community and town, people everywhere, animals and all living beings, and the whole Earth. This last round of recitation begins: “May we …” In this way, loving-kindness meditation practice opens the heart further and further into life, beginning with the meditator themselves.

Loving-kindness and mindful democracy

Clinical research shows that loving-kindness meditation has a positive effect on mental health, including lessening anxiety and depression, increasing life satisfaction and improving self-acceptance while reducing self-criticism. There is also evidence that loving-kindness meditation increases a sense of connection with other people. The benefits of loving-kindness meditation are not just for the individual. In my research, I show that there are also tremendous benefits for society as a whole. Indeed, the practice of democracy requires us to work together with friends, strangers and even purported “opponents.” This is difficult to do if our hearts are full of hatred and resentment. Each time meditators open their hearts in metta meditation, they prepare themselves to live more loving lives: for their own selves, and for all living beings. Jeremy David Engels, Liberal Arts Endowed Professor of Communication, Penn State This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.